Monday, June 14, 2010

"Every new begining comes from some other begining's end"

"How was my maternity leave?  It rocked.  It rocked my ass off"- Pam Halpert, "The Office". 

Today is my last day of maternity leave. After 12 of the simultaneously shortest and longest weeks of my life, I have to leave my little man and go back to work.

It wasn't an easy decision to return to work.  We're lucky. I could have quit and it wouldn't have even required major budget cuts. However, I just couldn't leave.  I have a really good job and great bosses.  Sure it's stressful, like any job.  Sure, there were days during my pregnancy where at the end the day I thought to myself "Screw this, I'm not going back!" but when push came to shove I didn't want to leave. I'm good at my job. Darn good.  I like my co-workers. I LOVE the organization I work for. I didn't want to quit. 

I didn't want to work full time either.  I wanted to take my son on outings.  Take Kindermusic classes.  Go on picnics.  Be able to actually have time to run errands and clean my house. Many, many years from now, greet him with fresh baked cookies when he gets home from school.  Just like my mom did for me and my siblings.  .

I think I ended up with the best of both worlds. My bosses were more than willing to let me go back to work part time- Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  That leaves me with a four day weekend.  Even better, my husband works 4- 10 hour days, so we have family 3 day weekends.

My major concern was child care.  I didn't know the first thing about day care and I wasn't crazy about the uncertainty that comes with a babysitter.  Luckily, Max was able to get into the day care at work. I can nurse him on my lunch!  Also, my job is nursing mom friendly and they provide a pumping room and hospital grade pumps.  I just have to bring my own parts. I feel secure with this option.

Still, when I actually think about going back, it's like someone is tearing a gullet through my heart.  I'm not ready to leave my little man.  What snuggles and coos am I going to miss?  I'm not ready to be fully initiated in the adult world either.  All I can talk about is poop color!  Am I ready to go back to monthly reports, meeting logistics and being the A/V Queen?   Heck, I don't even know where I put my employee badge!

I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be filled with tears and when I get home I'll call Saint Brett the Awesome and tell him I want to quit.  And for the millionth time, he'll remind me of all the reasons why I don't. But for now, I have a little dude that needs snuggling after a long nap.

*Edit*  I realized I unintentionally used the word "gullet", which happens to be the first Word Up, Yo word!  Go me!
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Katie said...

I know this was a hard decision for you, and it is going to be a hard adjustment, but you will really have the best of both worlds. And the fact that he will be in the same building as you, and you can be with him at lunchtime, you are so lucky!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

teresa said...

you are such a gifted writer!!

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