Thursday, August 5, 2010

Writer's Workshop: Time Out!

This week, I haven’t been Captain Happy Pants. Rather, my pants were incredibly cranky. For Example:

I’ve shouted obscenities at other drivers.

I’ve sent mean vibes to the staff at my child’s day care for parking the 18 passenger school van in the small drive during the busiest pickup time.

I gave the evil eye to the woman at Sam’s Club who’s job it is to accost you at the front door, trying to get you to switch to Direct TV.

I almost read the riot act to the guy on the treadmill next to me who kept grunting.

I made a nasty Facebook status update about the perpetually *effervescent* radio traffic lady who kept chirping “the highways are clear” when in fact I had been sitting on the highway at a complete standstill for 30 minutes.

In my head I ranted at the guy at the gym who turned the TV to Fox News when I was perfectly happy watching Oprah. He didn’t even ask, jerkface.

I mentally composed a long post about why Gisele Bundchen needs to STOP TALKING ABOUT PARENTING. Then I decided not to actually write it because I didn’t want a debate.

If Max lashed out with similar behavior, I’d put him in “time out”. Actually, I would be really impressed because he’s only four months old. Still, when he’s older and displays cranky pants behavior, time out is where he would go to cool down. For him, it would be a punishment. For me, my own time out sounds like paradise. A Mommy time out is just what I need to curb my road, gym and Sam’s Club rage.

My “time out” would not require a tropical paradise but rather, something more practical. I just need three things. A hotel room, a Jacuzzi tub and a bottle of red wine. Bliss would be a night all alone in a hotel room, sitting in that tub, drinking that wine. No offense to my husband. It’s not that I don’t want Brett there. I do. He’s wonderful. It’s just- if Brett is with me then someone else would be watching Max. And though I have many trustworthy friends I wouldn’t be fully comfortable and I wouldn’t sleep well. The goal of this “time out” is to sleep.

The hotel doesn’t have to be something fancy. Just a moderate priced room (with a Jacuzzi tub) is fine. I can compromise on the tub too. It doesn’t have to have Jacuzzi jets. It just needs to be deep. And the wine? A $10 bottle of Cabernet will suffice. I’d relax in the tub with a tabloid magazine good book and the wine. Then, at an obscenely early hour, I would crawl into bed and drift off for a full 8+ hours of uninterrupted sleep. That one night could instantly end my cranky streak.

Mommy desperately needs a time out before I verbally assault another Savannah driver.

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