It’s these damn pants.
I’m wearing them now. They are
tight. Not squeeze-it-all-in tight, hard-to-button-tight but
I’d-rather-be-wearing-yoga-pants tight.
They are simple black dress capri’s bought about 5 years. When I bought them they fit. Not too tight, but not too loose. For a while, they stayed that way. Then I got pregnant and had a baby. Post pregnancy, they fit about the same. Then
they started to get tight again. Then
un-wearable.
So I made changes.
Weekly Weight Watchers meetings. Training for a half marathon. The pounds flew off. In less than a year those tight pants were
literally falling off my hips.
But it didn’t last long.
The half marathon was run. Weight
Watchers became less exciting. I
resented having to track every damn bite, lick and taste. I stopped stepping on the scale. I stopped
checking in on SparkPeople.com. I
stopped giving a shit.
Now the pants are tight again. The scale is close to the highest it’s
been. I’m heavier than I was
pre-pregnancy. I want to love myself,
but I simply hate the way I look. I
avoid getting my picture taken and avoid full body mirrors.
Most I’m importantly, I feel like crap. Physically I’m achy and tired all the time. I
never want to run around with my son. I never want to do anything. I’m
sad.
Am I depressed because I’m obese or am I obese because I’m
depressed?
A little of both.
This has got to change.
Twice in my life I’ve had a major weight loss/lifestyle change. Both times I was successful because I wrote
about my ups and downs. I stayed active in online communities- first
LiveJournal and then SparkPeople. So I’m going to do it again.
I’ll be writing about my daily struggles on SparkPeople
where it’s locked down and private. If anyone else is on SparkPeople, please
email me your username and I’ll send you mind. However, I will also update
weekly here. Slimming Saturdays. Just a
brief blip to keep me accountable to the public world.
This is a battle I’ll fight for the rest of my life, but I
am hell bent on winning.
3 comments:
I completely understand and it is a daily struggle. Honestly I find it harder and am less secure now being smaller than I ever have been. People who haven't seen you in year always say, "Wow you look great how did you do it." I say diet and exercise, then I get the oh that won't last look.
I have fallen off the wagon (especially the past couple of weeks) only being "active" once a week and eating like crap. I woke up two mornings ago feeling like I was hit by a bus. It was that moment I finally realized it is a life style change (I have said it but never really believed it) one that I did to feel better, I never did it to look skinny I did it to feel better. I didn't detox or anything because I wanted to cement in my stubborn brain how it feels when I eat crap (or in my case stuff with gluten).
I have been there, am there and will be here with you because it does take support and it is hard. I wish you much success in your journey it is one that I on myself. The only thing we can do is when we jump off the wagon (for whatever reason) we find our way back on.
Good Luck,
Manda :)
You are so precious to us.
So proud of you.
Deanna
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