I miscarried. Yesterday.
There’s a million things running through my mind. The “what-ifs” of the past. The “what-ifs” of the future. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m scared. But most of all, I feel so incredibly lonely. And that makes me pissed off.
I’m pissed because miscarriages have to be a hush-hush thing. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to hear about it. It’s a sad thing and no one wants to hear about sad things. For a woman going through a loss of a pregnancy it’s devastating and what she needs most is a community of people to put their arms around her and send her love.
To say they are sorry.
To send their prayers.
To watch her child so she can grieve or bring a meal so she can focus on herself for a day instead of worrying about the needs of her family.
But societal norms dictate she cry alone in her home with only her partner or a few close friends in the know.
Twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. When you are pregnant, you look at 20% as a small number and hope you don’t fall onto that side of the statistics. But when you think about it, that’s a lot of women grieving.
I just wish there was more acceptable for women to say “Hey. I’m sad. This sucks a lot and I wish someone would just put their arms around me and let me cry. Please pray for me or send good thoughts, since I can’t do it for myself right now”. Lots of women go through this. I’ve watched friends be devastated and yes, not having been through it, it was hard for me to fully understand what they were going through. Now I get it and now I feel even more heartbroken for them. I just wish women who have gone through this could connect more easily, without the whispers
Women who’ve gone through miscarriages experience a unique pain. Event though the majority of miscarriages are not preventable, there’s still a weird guilt you did something wrong. Having to whisper about it or only share your pain behind an anonymous screen name on a message board only magnifies the guilt.
Some people say “Well, it’s early, at least you weren’t attached yet”. Bullshit. That’s absolute bullshit. Sure, the baby was the size of a poppy seed but that doesn’t mean these women didn’t start planning nursery or thinking about names. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to feel like my heart is broken in a million pieces.
Then there’s the innocent, but painful remarks. I get crap all the time about not having a second child yet. Normally I brush it off, as for our own reason, we weren’t trying. That’s recently changed. Now those comments are not only rude but they’ve become incredibly painful. This is my first experience with pregnancy loss. I can’t fathom the pain of those who’ve been through multiple miscarriages. Or late term miscarriages I truly don’t understand how they keep going. I’m not sure I’m willing to try again.
I just wish it was more acceptable to talk about. This sucks too much to have to hide. While I don’t want to make anyone else sad, I know there’s others like me who want to talk, want to share and want to grieve with others who’ve been through the same. I don’t want to be ashamed. I just want to share my story and find hope from those who have been through the same thing and in the end, came out stronger.