Wednesday, September 25, 2013


I miscarried. Yesterday.

It sucked.

There’s a million things running through my mind.  The “what-ifs” of the past. The “what-ifs” of the future.   I’m sad.  I’m frustrated.  I’m scared. But most of all, I feel so incredibly lonely.  And that makes me pissed off.

I’m pissed because miscarriages have to be a hush-hush thing.  No one wants to talk about it.  No one wants to hear about it.  It’s a sad thing and no one wants to hear about sad things. For a woman going through a loss of a pregnancy it’s devastating and what she needs most is a community of people to put their arms around her and send her love.  

To say they are sorry. 

To send their prayers.

To watch her child so she can grieve or bring a meal so she can focus on herself for a day instead of worrying about the needs of her family.

But societal norms dictate she cry alone in her home with only her partner or a few close friends in the know. 

Twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. When you are pregnant, you look at 20% as a small number and hope you don’t fall onto that side of the statistics.  But when you think about it, that’s a lot of women grieving. 

I just wish there was more acceptable for women to say “Hey. I’m sad. This sucks a lot and I wish someone would just put their arms around me and let me cry. Please pray for me or send good thoughts, since I can’t do it for myself right now”.  Lots of women go through this.  I’ve watched friends be devastated and yes, not having been through it, it was hard for me to fully understand what they were going through. Now I get it and now I feel even more heartbroken for them. I just wish women who have gone through this could connect more easily, without the whispers

Women who’ve gone through miscarriages experience a unique pain. Event though the majority of miscarriages are not preventable, there’s still a weird guilt you did something wrong.  Having to whisper about it or only share your pain behind an anonymous screen name on a message board only magnifies the guilt.

Some people say “Well, it’s early, at least you weren’t attached yet”. Bullshit.  That’s absolute bullshit. Sure, the baby was the size of a poppy seed but that doesn’t mean these women didn’t start planning nursery or thinking about names. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to feel like my heart is broken in a million pieces.

Then there’s the innocent, but painful remarks.  I get crap all the time about not having a second child yet. Normally I brush it off, as for our own reason, we weren’t trying.  That’s recently changed. Now those comments are not only rude but they’ve become incredibly painful. This is my first experience with pregnancy loss. I can’t fathom the pain of those who’ve been through multiple miscarriages. Or late term miscarriages  I truly don’t understand how they keep going.  I’m not sure I’m willing to try again.

I just wish it was more acceptable to talk about.  This sucks too much to have to hide. While I don’t want to make anyone else sad, I know there’s others like me who want to talk, want to share and want to grieve with others who’ve been through the same.  I don’t want to be ashamed. I just want to share my story and find hope from those who have been through the same thing and in the end, came out stronger. 

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Melissa T. said...

We are holding you up with prayers from Texas, and will be for awhile. I can only imagine the pain you are going through, and I am so sorry that is part of your life right now.

marie speer said...

Laura I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I experienced one myself In 1985 it was the most devastating thing I've ever been through.other people don't understand unless they been through it themselves. their well meaning words would be much better not spoken .instead they should give you a big big big hug and say I am so sorry.and let you talk about it. that's what you need, a shoulder to lean, an understanding person to talk to. my heart goes out to you and Brett.

Erin fritz said...

Been there, done that. And I completely agree with you, this is a time for community. I miscarried July 31st of 2012, and had a healthy baby girl July 19th, 2013...almost a year to the day. Even holding a babe in my arms on the one year mark...I took time to pause and reflect on the little one that was lost. The loss will mess with your psyche for a little while, and that's okay. Allow yourself to grieve, and say "FU" to those that think it was too early to care. It will suck to hear pregnancy announcements for the next several months, take a deep breath, put on a fake smile, and remember that you'll have that happiness again soon. And most of all, try again. Right away. (some docs say to wait a bit, I think that's crap). Pregnancy has so much guesswork in it, take some of the guess out of it. Do yourself a favor and use ovulation sticks (target brand is cheap and effective!) That is one area of conceiving and pregnancy that can offer a tiny bit of control. Hugs to you. It sucks, and I'm sorry. This too shall pass...but not today, and maybe not next week. But you're strong, you have a great hubby, and a kiddo to put a smile on your face even in the worst times of grief. One day at a time. I'll be thinking of you! Feel free to email or message me if you ever need to cry, vent, or have questions.

Emily said...

so much love and hugs sent your way. Always better to talk about it.

Amy said...

Laura, I found you through Jenny @Mama Nash. She's a friend of mine. I happened to click and see this post first.

You words struck me, deep in my heart, a heart that knows your loss. I have miscarried twice in.a.row. IT SUCKS. Notice I didn't say sucked. It was 3 years ago, and it still sucks. I too hate the fact that it's so hush hush.

I don't know you, but I'm here. Praying, listening, hoping for your heart to have what it needs. I have 3 healthy boys, a girl in heaven and a baby who's gender we don't know in heaven. My hope is that you will have another baby. I did after the miscarriages. I hope the same for you, and that the people in your life will have compassion. Those who haven't experienced it, might make it worse. So take it easy on yourself.

Praying and sending virtual hugs.

Anonymous said...

Hi Laura,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have felt that pain and loss. You are so right that we, as a society need to reach out to mother's who miscarry and embrace and support them in their pain.

I miscarried on this past Mother's Day and I didn't even tell until two days later. I felt like I would somehow spoil the day for the other mothers there and for my other children.

Thank you for bravely sharing your pain, it will help someone else get through theirs. Please know that you are being prayed for.


Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do said...

Thanks everyone for your kind words and prayers. I really needed them and you've helped me see that I am not alone. From the bottom of my heart, I thank all of you.

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